Nerd Dad: Sober ten years

I’ve been sober for ten years today.

I never socially drank. Was never interested in having A drink. Toward the end of my drinking days, there were signs that I needed to hang it up. For instance: blackouts.

From americanaddictioncenters.org/ - Blacking out does not mean that a person becomes unconscious, like falling asleep. Instead, people often continue to interact with others, engage in routine or potentially dangerous behaviors, and even continue to drink.

I would wake up the next morning and people would reference conversations or activities from the night before, and I would laugh along like I knew what they were talking about, but I didn't remember any of it.

I’m lucky that I didn’t drink and drive. I would usually drink at home so I wasn’t a danger to many others… But a big danger to myself.

12/7/2010

I got drunk. It wasn’t a special occasion. It was a freaking Tuesday night.

After passing out, I would never know when or where I'd go pee. This night I made it to bathroom in the basement, which I almost never used. I don’t remember using the toilet, nor do I remember walking back up the first few stairs.

What I do remember is waking up in heart-pumping-pain from when I tripped on one of the stairs and fell forward, catching myself with my left forearm on the corner of a step.

My ulna snapped like a Kit-Kat.

This was my ‘rock bottom.’

12/30/10 (My mother’s birthday)

Drinking was becoming less and less fun. I was feeling more shame and guilt after drinking. I had anxiety and panic attacks. I was thinking hard about finding and getting help. There was an AA meeting within walking distance from where I lived. I went to an afternoon meeting to check it out.

There was a guy at that meeting (let’s call him Manuel) who saw ‘me,’ and talked to me. He gave me a Big Book, his phone number, and sent me on my way.

I liked the meeting. The room was full of good people and gratitude, and I could feel in my bones that I was ready to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him.

I used to love to watch the TV show Intervention. I didn’t know why, but I would watch it anytime it was on. After I got sober I didn’t care about the show. It took a few years before I realized why I liked it when I was a drunk.

I knew deep down that I would eventually have to stop drinking, but I didn’t want to be the one to make that decision (denial). I didn’t want an intervention, but I couldn’t see how I’d ever decide on my own that I needed to quit.

No one can make someone else stop drinking/using. It only works when the user recognizes a ‘bottom’ and chooses to get help themselves. An intervention is an attempt at creating a ‘bottom’ so the alcoholic will decide to seek help.

12/31/2010

I thumbed through the Big Book and told Megan (my wife) that I wanted to start going to AA. I wanted that night to be the last time I drank.

And it was.

New Year’s Day 2011 I had my usual (and last) hangover. I felt a little relieved. There was a light at the end of the tunnel.

I didn’t feel it was appropriate to go to a meeting hung over, so I went to my next AA meeting on 1/2/2011. This was an evening meeting, and there were far more people at this one.

AA gives medallions, or ‘chips,’ as markers of days/months/years sober. A few were handed out this night, and I always remember a guy who got his three month chip and thinking, “I wonder if I’ll make it three months.”

I called Manuel the next day and asked him questions about AA. He was very open and warm. No question was stupid. He gave me all the time I wanted and answered every question.

The first several weekends were the hardest. I had always got drunk on Friday, or Saturday (or both) for about 15 years. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I called Manuel and asked him. He gave me some suggestions, and told me that soon I wouldn’t believe that I had the time I did to drink.

Manuel became my sponsor and took me through the Big Book and the 12 steps. It was hard work. Not hard, like building a house, but like learning a new language. Manuel gave me assignments to complete before the next time we’d meet, and I didn’t want to disappoint him or myself by blowing them off. I felt that I owed it to myself to put everything into working the steps as I had put into making sure that I had beer in the fridge.