Where the rubber meets the road

Through this last year Nerd Dad tried going to the gym, and making it a routine. It was a colossal failure. Every time I'd get on a good roll, going three times a week, or what have you, something would spring up. This winter was especially cold and hard to get out of the house. It was nice to have a warm place to go to work off the Christmas cookies, but I couldn't drag myself out into the -20 degree weather (forget about wind chill) to work up a sweat, and then go back outside to drive home.

We cancelled our membership finally this month due to not utilizing it. I still have the Christmas cookies in me that need to be burned off, plus seven months of non-Christmas junk food. I started thinking about biking. I haven't ridden a bike in years, but I look forward to riding around with Ozzie one day, and I don't want to have years of Christmas cookies built up in my frame when we go.

How am I going to get out of the house to ride  a bike when I couldn't get out to go to the gym? I don't know, but I don't have to pay monthly dues on a bike. I don't have to see a monthly money reminder of what a lazy (small) pig I am and feel bad about myself. A bike is a one time purchase, and once I bought one, then I'd have it, and could figure it out from there.

So I started my search for a bike on Target.com. I know that Schwinn is the name in bikes (or at least it was when I was a kid), so I looked at them. I found one I liked for $200. I thought I could save for it little-by-little with the money that would no longer go to the gym "donation." Then last night I Googled "free bikes," and was reminded of the Minneapolis bike auctions they hold. Megan and I used to live up the block from where they hold them. We even went to a few to see what kind of deals there are, and it's excellent people-watching; but the next auction isn't for a month. (If you're looking for a bike though, I'd suggest you go to an auction. They're fun, and you can get a really nice bike for a fraction of the cost.)

I was also reminded of Craigslist. I have avoided Craigslist for a few years since a punk-kid sold me a bum iMac keyboard for $30. I figured with a bike that I can test it out right on the spot (unlike the keyboard where I had to take the liar's word for it). I searched for Schwinn Fridley and saw some nice bikes, but they were hundreds of dollars. I thought if it's going to be used for near the same price of the new one at Target I wanted, I might as well go with new. Then I searched in Blaine and found a nice one for only $70.

I emailed the seller around 11:00 last night and they actually emailed me right back. We set up a meeting this morning. I told Megan about it when we woke up and she said that she drove by a garage sale yesterday that had 30 bikes outside. I was meeting my Craigslist contact at noon, so we packed up Ozzie and went garage-sale-ing. We went to the 30-bike sale first, and there was no sale what-so-ever. It was quiet this Sunday morning, and there was no sign of life at the house. We drove around a little and stopped at a couple of other sales, but there weren't any bikes at them. 

I remembered after about a minute at the first sale we hit that garage sales are just people trying to get 25 cents for things instead of, or before they throw them away. What I mean by that is that garage sales are tables and racks of other people's garbage. Instead of picking through their trash cans, they lay the garbage out for you to easily view. You could pull the items from the dumpster on trash day for free, but they charge you pocket change to carry their rubbish home with you. 

Anyway, I came up empty looking at garage sales, but I still had my meeting at noon for the Schwinn in Blaine. My GPS took me right to the house near the Subway sandwich shop where I worked in 1997. There were some kids playing in the yard, and the bike was right there in the middle of the driveway. Grandma was going through some stuff in the garage, and she said I had been emailing with her daughter, but I could take the bike for a spin. 

Now remember, it had been years since I last rode a bike. It felt a little awkward swinging my leg over the bar and getting going, but after just a few seconds it was just like riding a bike. That must be where they get the term. I drove it up and down their block, and it was fun. The bike fit me well, and was in decent condition. I went back and offered grandma $60 for it, and she gladly took it. I got a good deal. A one-time payment of half of one month of the gym membership (for two people). 

Finally tonight after dinner I was able to take it out for a real ride. I went up East River Road and found a park near the Mississippi with walking/biking trails. I rode the trails and wound up  at this Center for the Arts that I pass every day with Ozzie coming home from day care. Sometimes I notice it and think "I should Google that place sometime," and then forget about it as soon as it's out of sight. 

I had a lot of fun on my bike ride. It was nice to get out of the house for a bit and do something different. I don't know what kind of workout I got, and I don't care. It's not about that. Maybe I'll start riding it to burn calories one day, but for now it's something fun to do. Next I can look for a bad-ass helmet. Do you think I'll find one at a garage sale? If I do it should probably be thrown away instead of hawked for even one penny. 

Weird Al's new album Mandatory Fun

You may have seen some of the videos for the new Weird Al Yankovic album Mandatory Fun on social media. I saw the video for "Tacky"-a parody of Pharrell's "Happy"-staring Eric Stonestreet, Jack Black, and other comedians a couple of days ago and it made me laugh. I researched Weird Al as I hadn't thought of his music since 1988's Even Worse. In addition to being a talking head on VH1's I Love.. series, he's been consistantly releasing albums that mock the songs of the times.

I knew every word to every song on 1985's Dare To Be Stupid when I was 8-10 years old. "Like A Surgeon" "I Want a New Duck," and my favorite, a parody of The Kinks "Lola," "Yoda." I never heard the Dr. Demento show, so these songs based on real radio songs were (and still are) hilarious to me. Yankovic is a great writer. Take the song "Happy." In his parody he's not just replacing the word happy with tacky. With the lyrics: "It might seem crazy wearing stripes and plaid
I Instagram every meal I've had…" the entire song is about "tacky" behavior.

Polka Party came out in 1986, which I don't really remember. I mean I remember "Living With a Hernia," based on James Brown's "Living In America," but looking at the whole album, I don't think I had the cassette. I did have 1988's Even Worse, released after Michael Jackson's Bad. The parody of the song "Bad" is "Fat." Remember Yankovic in the fat suit in the video on MTV?

Weird Al didn't release another album until 1992's Off The Deep End. In 1992 I was a sophomore in high school. I was too cool to listen to Weird Al in 10th grade. The cover of the album is a spoof of Nirvana's Nevermind, so grunge music had reached Minnesota by then, and I was too wrapped up in my Pearl Jam and Temple of the Dog to want to hear some yahoo make fun of them. Going back now and listening to "Smells Like Nirvana" drives home how Weird Al stays on top of what's popular and points and laughs at it. 

From 1992 to 2011 he released seven albums. You could pick up a 1999 greatest hits album and listen to The Offspring and Barenaked Ladies songs that you've heard a million times (and now hear in waiting rooms), or get a copy of Weird Al's Running With Scissors instead and smile as you listen to "Pretty Fly for a Rabbi." You can relive all of the music you loved around the time his albums came out with spot-on parodies of the tunes. 

Each album includes a medley of popular songs for the time in a polka. In these medleys he doesn't change the words of the songs, but deftly arranges them to accordion and tubas. On Mandatory Fun a               few of the songs that make the cut are Miley's Cyrus's "Wrecking Ball," Psy's "Gangnam Style," and Daft Punk's "Get Lucky." 

In addition to "Tacky," the other standouts on the new album are "Foil" to the tune of Lorde's "Royals." It's about wrapping up your leftovers in aluminum foil. The writer in me loves the song "Word Crimes," from Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines." It's about using correct grammar. "Word Crimes" is a 3:43 English lesson. And "First World Problems" is in the style of The Pixies. It starts with the unmistakable bass that "Debaser" starts with, but the number isn't a direct spoof of one Pixies song. 

Part of me wishes that I didn't take myself so seriously and miss out on the Weird Al records that I did at the time, but another part of me is excited to go back and listen to some new-to-me comedy/albums. I'm impressed with Mandatory Fun, and hope that the 54-year-old Weird Al has more to come as Ozzie grows up. 

Vacation, got to get away

Ozzie turned one last week. I thought I might write a report card of his first year here, and grade myself as a dad, but you've heard it all before from any parent. Ozzie makes me laugh and smile every day. I couldn't be more proud of him, and (as I'm sure it is with any new parent) it's been a year of trial and error. I feel like I'm a good dad to him; a natural father actually, and Megan is a tremendous mom.

This past Christmas Megan's mom said she'd put us up in a hotel in Wisconsin Dells for two nights in the summer and she'd watch Ozzie. I kind of forgot about it until Megan told me that it was all set for right after Ozzie's birthday. We each took a week off work and went on vacation, just the two of us for the first time in six years.

We dropped off Ozzie with grandma, spending the night at her house in LaCrosse, WI so we could leave early the next morning. We were on the road for the 90 minute drive to the Dells at 9:00am. We stopped at a gas station on the way out of town and realized that we could both actually go in together; one didn't have to stay in the car with Oz. That was when vacation officially begun.

We couldn't check into the hotel until 1:00 We pulled into downtown Dells around 11:00. Megan wanted to look for fudge for grandma and Kelly, who watched Henry Don, our dog. Right off the highway, and barely into downtown, there was an old-time candy shop selling fudge. It was so cool inside that I took a picture.

It turned out that these old-time candy shops are on every block of downtown. They were all fun and smelled like sugar. Some even had free samples. We were parked across from a Mexican restaurant and The Torture Museum. We had just gotten into town and were ready to have fun. The restroom in the Mexican restaurant was for customers only, so we had to order something to use the facilities. We got an appetizer that was disgusting, but Megan said she liked it. It was chili cheese dip, but the place was "authentic." Authentic Mexican food isn't for Nerd Dad.

Next door was The Torture Museum. Since it was right there, and it had some cool skeletons and scary music playing in the lobby, we paid admission to go in. That was a mistake. It was mildly interesting. Think Pace Picatnte sauce mild. Just a bunch of torture devices that have been used throughout history. I'd love to have our money back for this waste of time.





Moving right along, with buyer's remorse in my stomach, there was a guy doing air brush tattoos for only $7, two for $10. We each got a temporary tattoo for our vacation.

The Diceman cometh

We checked into the Great Wolf Lodge around 1:30. A nice, family-friendly resort with an indoor and outdoor water park. We both really wanted to soak up some rays on vacation and come home a nice maple syrup brown, but mother nature had other plans. As soon as we got our room we changed into our suits and went to the outdoor pool. It was mostly cloudy. I read my book, and Megan got a bucket of beer from the outdoor  bar. We were out there for about 30 minutes and it started to rain. We packed everything up and went in. After we washed off the sunscreen we looked out the window to see it pouring rain. It stayed that way for the rest of the night. 

Megan had read about mining for jewels in the Dells. We found the place and did some mining. It was fun, but a little weird. You pay $15-$165 for a bucket of sand that they've stocked with jewels. You pour the sand into a sifting pan and they have a stream of water where you can sift it. Then you take your "treasure" to a counter and someone tells you what each gem is. We split a $15 bucket and came home with a bag of different birthstones. 

We had a good dinner at a sports bar, Monk's, and then went to the Rick Wilcox magic show. It was a very good show where he did all of the magician's tricks; the rope that keeps splitting and becoming whole, ripping up a newspaper and then putting it back together, and the like. He did some great illusions with a Rubik's cube, and made a helicopter appear out of thin air. The show closes with Wilcox making it snow in the theater. The 90-minute show is well worth the $40 ticket, and was my highlight of the trip.  

The next morning looked sunny from our window, and we dashed out to the pool as soon as it opened at 10:00. There were once again short periods of sun in mainly overcast skies. There wasn't just a breeze, it was windy and cold. We endured it as long as we could. 

The Great Wolf Lodge sells discount tickets for many attractions in the Dells. We had both been on the Original Ducks tour as children and wanted to do it again. We bought the discounted tickets from the desk and went downtown for lunch, and to ride the Ducks. Lunch was good at the High Rock Cafe, and then we went to catch the shuttle to the Ducks. As we waited, the sun came out in full force. It was hot and sunny, and Megan made the call to ride the Ducks the next day so we could hurry back to the pool to tan. 

Awesome dessert at the High Rock with house-made Kit Kat's

We were by the pool again for about an hour before it started to rain. We packed everything up and looked up bingo at Ho Chunk Casino. It started at 6:30. We went to bingo. It's always really long when you don't win, but the session was 4 hours. It only cost $30 (each), so it was a good value for the time spent. I wish we could have walked away with something. After bingo we went to a bar downtown that has a huge karaoke sign out front. They had a live band playing instead of karaoke, and there were only about four patrons inside. We walked up and down the main drag, and it was a ghost town. It was a Tuesday night, but it was almost eerie how each bar only had about four people inside drinking with music blaring. Megan had a martini at the High Rock and I bought a Wisconsin Dells hat. I was falling in love with the Dells. 

Lies

Ghost town at night

The next day was our last. We had to check out by 11:00. We had breakfast at Mr. Pancake and it was good, despite Megan's omelet being cold enough to send back. I had peanut butter pancakes that were awesome. We still had those Duck tickets that we had to use, and it was overcast and cold that day. I didn't think I'd have to pack a sweatshirt for the trip, and I knew it would be cold on the water, so I went to one of the many souvenir shops and bought a Wisconsin Dells sweatshirt for the Ducks ride. 

Peanut butter pancakes

We packed up all of our stuff in the room and checked out. The Ducks were what I remembered. The tour guide even used some of the same jokes they used 25 yeas ago. Not that it was bad. It's a fun ride through the woods, and on the lake and river in Wisconsin Dells. We had our last lunch at Pizza Pub. It was an okay pizza buffet. 

We wanted to squeeze more fun out of our trip before going back to real life, and had kept passing this place called Top Secret. It looked like The White House upside down. There was a sign outside that said admission was $5 today only (the sign was there every day). We went there and ended our vacation with a dud. Top Secret is a direction-less attraction. It doesn't know if it wants to be a haunted house, or a funky museum, or what. It's established up front that The White House landed from space upside down in Wisconsin Dells, and everything is on the ceiling. Chairs and beds are all suspended above your head. Some of it is dark hallways with loud bumps and sounds, some rooms are just empty with everything on the ceiling. It was only $5, so we scooted through and called it a trip. We agreed that it wasn't as stupid as the Torture Museum, but a close, close second. 

Top Secret. Top Stupid. 

Wisconsin Dells is a really fun tourist town. I can't recommend it enough. I had only been to the Dells once when I was about 10, and there are lots of attractions for kids. There's also a lot of stuff for adults. I would have liked one more day just so we had a chance to breathe in between everything. It was okay that it was cloudy and rainy while we were there as it gave us the chance to do everything that we did. Now I realize the necessity of a vacation, but it didn't really feel like time-off until our first full day at home, not working. I miss the Dells, and I'm sure it misses me. I look forward to taking Ozzie there when he's old enough to appreciate it.